Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
