then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
