nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
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Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
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He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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