That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I FOUND THE LEGS
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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