My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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