I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
