he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You're like the curious george of whores
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
