a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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