You're a womanizer and a bitch.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
