I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
