I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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