Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
