careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
