they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
