i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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