my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.