He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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