Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
