College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
