why do cheetos always look like penises
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
