Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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