Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
