Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
