guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
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She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
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I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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