i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
