Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
