I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
