great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
