Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
