Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If I die, sorry about rent.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
