There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He shit in the fireplace
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
