the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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