Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
