Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
