the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
