She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
