i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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