Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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