Taylor Swift is so right about you.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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