You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
