I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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