I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
