So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
