I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
