I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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