It was confusing and full of hummus
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
