he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
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I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
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he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
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