Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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