Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
