I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
im about as happy as oj after his trial
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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