I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
