How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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