Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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