Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
