Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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