I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
