We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
