you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
