Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
it's like heaven, but drunker
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
